I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
