I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize