i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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