At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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