Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i need some magic done to my vagina
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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