So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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