I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
