Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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