apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
