This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
