My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize