well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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