Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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