so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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