i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize