8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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