he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
