Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
