They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
