just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
