Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
