I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
