watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If I die, sorry about rent.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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