Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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