Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
