You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
