There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
