rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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