She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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