I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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