I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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