I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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