I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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