"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
