i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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