WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she woke up with a sticky ear
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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