I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
