The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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