you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize