Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
