I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
