Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
