Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
