i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
