Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The struggles of a small town man whore
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
