I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
