I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
