pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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