So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
