my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
pray to the hookup gods
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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