: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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