sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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