my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
