I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
