i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
