Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
