she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
