Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
