Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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