the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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