dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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