I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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