all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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