Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
