can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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